paul nicholson

Patch Notes

In Funny, Me on November 6, 2015 at 10:23 pm

One of the things that makes getting older the most frustrating is that it seems like so much of the physical issues that come with age are entirely unnecessary. While diseases are frustrating, maladies like kidney stones, cancer, and other malfunctions of the human body seem like the result of just poor design. I made the comment to my wife the other day that I really wanted to talk to God about why a few specific bugs slipped through product development. It seems like some common afflictions represent a major oversight of what should often be fairly simple issues to address.

daVinci's Vitruvian Man

This idea wasn’t entirely original of course. A frequent /r/AskReddit question goes something like “If you had to bug fix humans, what would you put in the patch notes?“. So, my first published blog post in (ok…I’ll look it up…skipping over the 4 unpublished drafts…) 1 year, 11 months, and 21 days is going to be my take on this patch list. Where possible, I’ll link back to inspirations from reddit threads.

1) While a significant update, this patch is primarily a bug patch and does not, for the most part, contain feature upgrades. New features and upgrades are planned for future releases.
2) Where possible, all changes are made to systems in such a way that no functional or evolutionary benefits are lost. Example: Getting rid of the ability to become addicted would also mean giving up our extremely useful ability to make major adjustments to body chemistry due changes in our environment and diet. Also, you get to keep your appendix.
3) Arbitrary enhancements like “run faster” or “more endurance” were not allowed. That’s just lazy.

  • Major Patch: Improved RNA and DNA duplication and error checking processes to avoid resulting defects both in new individuals as well as remove a tendency for uncontrolled cell growth in some individuals.
  • Major Patch: Fixed a glitch in the DNA system that was causing telomeres to loose length upon replication.
  • Fixed issues that caused unexplained terminations in infants.
  • Fixed lag between digestive system and appetite system to reduce over-filling errors.
  • Improved built-in incentive systems including taste and cravings to more closely reflect nutritional requirements.
  • Kidneys now properly handle both saline and calcium through normal renal processes.
  • Reduced rate of physical abilities nerfing past age 30.
  • Optic systems now maintain function as intended.
  • Occasional glitches that caused excess occular pressure and lens clouding have been removed.
  • Fixed excess sebaceous gland activity associated with unrelated hormone changes between ages of 10-20. (This should also address cases where sebaceous gland imbalance lasted past age 20.)
  • Corrected occasional imbalances between matched pairs related to desire for both reproductive and recreational intercourse. Average desire levels lowered to reduce overpopulation and increase productivity.
  • Correct hereditary bug in follicle growth in both males and females.
  • Corrected occasional bug in color receptors, especially in males.
  • Patched bug that often lead to improper execution of erection processes in males, especially between the ages of 10-20.
  • Patched speech system to remove tendency to involuntarily repeat syllables in certain individuals.
  • Realigned toenail growth with proper guards against lateral creep.
  • Improved heuristic virus detection.
  • Improved facial follicle patterns on males to avoid gaps along jaw line. Removed excess follicle growth at or below the laryngeal prominence.
  • Fixed tendency for serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine production and uptake to become imbalanced.
  • Fixed cases where histamine and other mediator substance production could be imbalanced or triggered by inert agents.
  • Rolled out lactose tolerance beyond beta test group.
  • Improved waste excretion processes to no longer require manual cleanup of insufficiently expelled matter.
  • Revert to estrous cycle management of endometrium in females. Note: Do not remove continual ability for sexual activity that was a featured added with the now deprecated menstrual cycle update.
  • Reconfigured unconscious rest time from an optimal 8 hours rest for every 16 awake to a more flexible 1:4 ratio over any given 72 hour period.
  • Eliminated unconscious rest cycle bug that resulted in prolonged shutdown and/or startup sequences present in some individuals.
  • Fixed bug in unconscious rest cycle that caused some individuals to become involuntarily mobile during rest.
  • Removed deprecated third molars in all individuals.
  • Removed deprecated nipples on male individuals.
  • Remove remaining deprecated follicle growth on majority of body that has been replaced by recent user add-on: clothing.
  • Removed exploit where users were ingesting psychoactive substances to alter their mental states.
  • More UV-tolerant dark skin tone has been rolled out to all individuals.
  • Fix occasional feedback loops that would cause a buildup of adrenaline due to unresolved anxiety and fear.
  • Fix tendency for unnecessary mucous build up in ears and nose during certain immune system functions. (Note: complete ENT rebuild for v2.0 recommended including separating food and air intakes and improving eustachian tube and sinus features.)
  • Fixed a bug that caused short term memory loss while walking from one location to another.
  • Added a system check that would prevent accidental mastication of any tongue or cheek tissue.
  • Improve capacity for forming stable social relationships beyond the current limit of approx 150 individuals.
  • Reworked immune system to prevent it from being hijacked or getting caught in feedback loops and attacking the individual.
  • Removed bug that caused repeated involuntary spasms of the diaphragm.
  • Fixed bug that occasionally caused jaw muscles to involuntarily clench, especially during rest cycles.

And no. Not all of these patch notes apply to me.

So, without getting too personal (you can comment anonymously) what patches would you add?